Last fall was one of the most traumatic times in my family's life. My daughters, a senior and sophomore in high school were a part of their school's swim team. Like most swimmers, they woke early for morning workouts, went to school all day and practiced again at night. Some nights they had swim meets, others they had weight training but regardless of what they did, they were with their "fellow" teammates most of the day.
When a group of senior girls started picking on my sophomore daughter, my senior daughter took a stand and told these girls to back off. She asked them to stop tormenting ALL of the underclassmen, including her sister, yet as soon as my senior took a stand, the team became divided. Both of my girls swam varsity and unfortunately, most of the varsity swimmers decided to isolate and ignore both of my girls, even those my oldest daughter was helping to defend. Rather than saying anything, they simply stopped including my girls in anything. Some people would say this is acceptable and not bullying, but think of what happens when a group isolates or ignores an individual. As teenagers, they stopped getting text messages, stopped getting asked to parties, conversation stopped when they walked into the locker room and worst of all, they stopped getting any support from their team. The result was devastating. My youngest daughter with so much potential to place at State, started swimming slower and slower. Her skin broke out all over her body and she started walking with her shoulders hunched over. My oldest daughter became self conscious and moody. She stayed near her younger sister at meets and talked little to anyone else, fearful anything she said would be held against her. What's worse is the isolation went far beyond the pool and my sophomore found herself eating lunch alone, isolated from others at her table.
Many parents of the girls who isolated my daughters have treated my husband and me in the very same manner. They have ostracized us and looked at us as if we were the cause of the fallout within the team. One mother I thought I knew and trusted even said to me, "Your daughter has thrown a wrench in the team causing so many problems." Her words left me stunned and I felt so betrayed. It was then I realized just what my girls were going through. These girls they have known since 4th and 5th grades suddenly
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| Germaine's daughters, Genevieve & Adelaide |
turned on them. A friend sent me this excerpt below describing Dante's Inferno:
"If you've read Dante's "Inferno," you know that his vision of hell
involves an inverted cone, with circles narrowing as they approach the
bottom of the pit.
I remember being surprised that sins like torture or rape or murder
weren't relegated to the very bottom of the pit as the worst sins
imaginable. Dante placed the sin of betrayal at the very bottom.
Yes, betrayal is deplorable, but worse than violence like rape? More
evil than taking a life?
Every betrayal is a kind of theft, if you think about it. Stolen are
the trust and loyalty that should form the bedrock of friendships,
marriages, business associations, and even treaties."
It was this betrayal that devastated our family. My husband had attended the same high school 37 years earlier and many of his friends had daughters on this swim team who actively ignored my girls. After weeks of being isolated, my senior spoke with the head coach asking for help. The coach witnessed so many episodes of these girls being unkind to my daughters, yet did nothing to stop it. My husband and I finally approached the coach asking her to stop the isolation but again, she did nothing so we took it to the administrators of the school. The principal of the school basically said, "I can't make other girls like your daughters." When we asked if there was an anti-bullying policy in place, the school administration scrambled. They had no policy to show us and therefore, no consequences to enforce upon these girls or the coach watching it happen.
Today, my daughters are freed from the school. My senior has happily graduated and is looking forward to making true friends in college. My sophomore transferred schools and was welcomed into the public school by all her former classmates from middle school. My husband and I have our true friends standing by us, but some we've known for over 30 years will never be a part of our lives again. None of them has ever spoken a foul word or written a bad thing about us. We just get silent glares from the parents when walking into water polo games and swim meets now. What's so sad is these parents have taught their children that isolation is acceptable and they have created another generation that will continue this tradition of Betrayal. Now I know why Dante put Betrayal as the worst sin in his nine rings of hell. It's because there is no way to fight it. No defense and no fixing it. Once trust is lost, it's impossible to regain and that's a tough lesson to learn at any age.
Don't ignore it when your child says no one talks with her or you notice she has no friends calling or texting. Silence and isolation are common forms of bullying and don't be mistaken, this behavior is taught by the parents. Isolation is a form of bullying. It's wicked and ugly and unkind. Stop it before it gets out of hand and teach your children to be kind and inclusive. As Henry James wrote,
"There are three important things to do in life. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind and the third is to be kind."
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